pretty things

I like writing in italics cause they’re pretty but i might drive you crazy so i’ll stop now. It’s ok that i like pretty things. I am coming to terms with this realisation bout myself, even though everyone else already knows about it. The other night, I was tempted by some new grapefruit bacardi breezers, even though i don’t even drink bacardi-or grapefruit juice- just because they’re light pink and very pretty. Sometimes, i have dreams about a whole feast of pretty things. I think it should be one of Maslow’s five hierarchy of needs; physiological, self-actualisation, pretty things….. Speaking of dreams, there are some crazy ones floating around right now…as well as dreaming about pretty things( a pair of black lace up boots was the latest one of those things), last night i also had the strangest dream about an everlasting bucket of james squire beer that came out of an urn that was attached to a wall….i don’t even drink beer ( I know, i’m the adopted child of team capable). And i was waking beautiful lt. lucky up this morning from a scary dream and she looked at me like i was a monster. (I won’t go into detail, for fear of terrorising lt. even more.) but that’s ok, i know she didn’t mean to. Pretty soon though, I won’t have to just dream about having pretty things, I can actually buy them ( although, captain and i do have this irrational fear of buying things) Glee! Other pretty things… lt.lucky’s smile, scuppers blue puppy eyes, captain capable’s curls…. dn’t worry, i love you all for more than just your looks. I like smart things too. All my team capable friends are smart. I guess captain was right, i do like things. Srry, the italics were necessary that time. Sweet dreams xx

 

Points to consider prior to embarking on a team adventure…

1. Communication is key; decisions pertaining to adventures must be in consultation and subsequent approval of all members
2. Ensure location is awesome, wicked fabulous. Places like Albany, Wyalcatchem, the Pinnacles, and Tannon are not recommended. Somewhere like… oh gee i don’t know… umm… maybe somewhere like… hmmm let me think now…. oh i know, CORAL BAY might be a good idea.
3. Choose a suitable mode of transport; in most cases a unicycle is not ideal. Especially when travelling overseas.
4. To maximise entertainment, bring lots of games, both games for many members and ones just for two; and I’m not talking about chess.
5. Arrange for accomodation that is suitable for the adventure. For example, booking an unpowered camp site where you must bring your own caravan/tent whilst exploring the Antarctic is not wise.
6. Wear appropriate attire. A snowsuit, while it may help you float, may not be the most comfortable thing to wear in 30 degree heat while snorkelling.
7. Surround yourself with people who like adventuring. Climbing Mt Everest with a lazy hypochondriac is a non example of this.
8. Bring friends who have already seen you at your worst and who love you anyway. Conversely, bring someone who owes you a BIG favour… this way, when you’re dying of food poisoning from eating that weird fish you can’t pronounce the name of, they’ll have your back. Which is useful seeing as half your front will be in the toilet bowl.
9. Take someone who owns a laptop and whose boyfriend owns the entire collection of Scrubs (because you think they are awesome not because you are using them for their material posessions).
10. Work very very very hard to save bollars for adventuring. Remember why you are working so hard whilst at work, so that you don’t actually throw that Test Tube Alien at you boss who is driving you f!#king mad.

 

This calls for a RESPONSE!

Okay fine, fine. Wierdy wierdo. It’s not that I disagree, it’s just … well, you didn’t give me much of a chance for explanation, did you now? There’s reason (and, less often, rhyme) for everything I do. Okay, so here we go:

1) Bear is a dog, he does not understand English, therefore anything I say to him containing the words ‘good’ and ‘beautiful’ are interpreted by him as praise. I just happened to be touching his bottom at the time. No, not his bottom, his big ol’ thighs. He’s a greyhound for cripes sake. His thighs are impressive.

2) Multitasking – performing more than one task – multiple tasks. Holding something together is barely a task, therefore holding something and performing another activity is barely multitasking. Walking and chewing gum and doing up buttons and thinking about where to go on your holidays: multitasking. Not moving your hands and answering a question: not really multitasking.

3) My choice of Lt is entirely up to me. Paint is of no consequence.

4) Again with my boyfriend. Entirely up to me. Also, ‘invisible’ and ‘light-up’ are two very different things, and I would thank you to understand and acknowledge the difference.

5) I never said green squares were art. No, I did not. And if I did, I can’t remember, so it doesn’t matter anyway, and also, what the hell are you supposed to do to decorate a basement full of peeling walls and caterpillars? Shut up, it’s pretty.

6) ‘Pogo-ing’. Lots of people know what it is. Also, I know lots of stuff … like, celery takes more energy to eat than you actually get from eating it.

7) Like you said, perfect sense. In my world, dogs fighting = bad. Especially when you’re passionate enough to hurl yourself in the middle of said fight, put your hands inside a dog’s mouth in an attempt to loosen their grip, and fall over and tear your really cool pants. And then cry about it for a couple of days. Also, if more people put their hands up to foster and adopt homeless dogs, I wouldn’t be in this situation. oooh, political.

8) That plate was from the same day. I think it was semi sun-dried tomato that Lt. was objecting to. A TINY PIECE of tomato. Shut up. If you want to see mouldy plates, look in my kitchen.

9) Okay, so if someone builds a bracelet that says ‘poo’, and you want to respond in the spirit of workplace banter, but you don’t want to wear something that proclaims itself to be pro-wee, what do you do? That’s right, you go all French.

10) oh, who cares. All I know is that the ‘o’ button is all screwy too.

 

captain is a wierdy wierdo

i really dont need to justify this title but just in case i do here we go…
- she is telling bear (the greyhound) that he has a beautiful bottom (which is actually stinky and flea ridden)
- also tells scuppers that ‘if all you are doing is holding superglue it doesn’t require much multitasking to do this” (i dont know what ‘this’ is but surely supergluing something and doing ‘this’ is actually in fact mutitasking)
- she has a lt who has crazy paint stripes up and down her left hand
- her boyfriend (scuppers) is wearing a clip-on-invisible screwdriver
- she sticks different size green squares on her wall because it is actually ‘art’ (given this was done to decorate her basement for my surprise party AND it does look pretty awesome but it is still wierdy wierdo
- she knows the dictionary/internet/greyhound definition of pogoing (which is when greyhounds jump up and down excitedly)
- she has a pentadaily international dogswap (interpret this as you will but it actually does make perfect sense which isn’t strengthening my argument)
- keeps mouldy plates next to her computer to see what new ecosystem she can create
- owns a bracelet that says ‘oui oui’
- thinks her backspace button hates the lt when in fact, the backspace button is inanimate and can’t really hate anything at all

I could write more but i really have to go….

 

11 things I’m pretty good at

1 boatsies yes boatsies
2 painting geeky stuff
3 all manner of electrickery
4 wrestling pigs (really big ones)
5 shmoozing people
6 singing loudly, off key, the wrong words and with no apparent rhythm or tempo
7 running races
8 aerobie
9 running very fast at people yelling “GET OUT OF THE WAY I CANT STOP”
10 slackin’
11 jokes n stuff
and one for luck (all the cool kids are dooin’ it)
12 sudden philisophical tangents, long “eermmms” with no point and walking into stuff

 

9 things that are funnier when you’re drunk

1. Genitals

2. Badgers

3. Badges

4. The confusion between badgers and badges

5. The phrase: ‘He’s an auteur’

6. Beer bottles crashing to the ground

7. Putting hats on dogs

8. Lt. Lucky

9. Falling over outside a petrol station at the feet of a girl in a yellow dress

(and one for luck…)

10. Jumping out at Lt. from behind a corner and going “AAAHH”

 

My Dogs of Glee

I get a Dog of Glee whenever I’m good. I haven’t got one for ages. Coincidence? You be the judge.

My Dog of Glee collection so far:

* Hi! Cram it. (x2 – one chomped to obscurity by big-head dog)
* Boys lie and kind of stink (everyone lies … I have nothing to say about the stink)
* Don’t make me maul you (really – don’t. You’ll have no-one to blame but yourself)

I await more Dogs of Glee, but my hopes are fading. *Sigh*

 

8 things I remember from primary school

1) Wondering why teachers always ask questions that they know the answer to.

2) Competing with other kids about how old my mum is… (my mum is 26… my mum is 28…. oh no i just remembered my mum is really 29 not 26 at all!)

3) Having the coolest orange shoelaces in the histroy of shoelaces (actually in the history of shoes… they are even cooler than shoes with buckle ties)

4) Competing with other kids about how strong my dad is… (my dad can lift me up over his head… well my dad can lift my big brother up over his head…. well actually my dad can lift me, my sister, my mum, my aunty and the dog up over his head at the SAME TIME)… (hell yeah).

5) The five very important seasons (in ascending order of importance). Winter, Autumn, Summer, Spring and MARBLE SEASON!!)

6) Getting sent to the principal’s office in year one and crying for ages but then he forgot to come and tell us off so I was really really really worried for no reason. And I still claim that it wasn’t me talking… it was Lisa who sat next to me. She sucks!

7) I used to press shift before typing an ‘I’ because otherwise it would be an ‘i’ but now… I never press shift because it does it for me. (I have become lazy in my old old old age).

8) Calling the librarian ‘cake face’ because she wore copious amounts of make up. But I feel bad for it now cause she was really nice so I’m not actually a bad person. I was just a mean kid with issues.

one for luck…
*) Being called moth-ball girl. My dad was slightly napthalene-flake-happy and I would often go to school with flakes of mothballs on my shirt. They looked like bad dandruff and smelt horrid.

 

5 ways to (unintentionally) maim a big-headed dog

Never intentionally maim a dog …. however, if you were to unintentionally maim a dog, here is how you might go about it:

1. Provide your dog with ear plugs. Insert said ear plugs into dog’s ears. Mow lawn.

2. Throw a high lob with a small ball. Watch dog catch said ball halfway down throat. Laugh at dog gagging.

3. Starve dog of love.

4. Starve dog of food.

5. Heckle dog. Pretend you think dog’s name is ‘lumpy’. Keep saying: ‘What’s the matter lumpy?’.

(Contributions and laughter [and egging on] by Lt.)

 

10 things I can’t do

1. Waitress competently

2. Smell tomato sauce without gagging

3. Fit my fist in my mouth

4. Fit into my super cool electric blue boogaloo suit

5. Stop my eyebrow from lifting up really high when someone makes an assertion based on faulty logic.

6. Afford car insurance

7. Make a phone call to someone I don’t know without feeling nervous

8. Make complicated origami flowers without sweating and frowning

9. Bring myself to organise my superannuation into one fund

10. Eat breakfast without feeling ill

(and one for luck…)

11. Do a push-up. That’s right, not even one.