Part One here
Ukraine – Where did she get that giant plexiglass mirror full of men in doorways? I want one! Go go body rolls! Overall, pretty good, but not nearly cheesy enough for me. Of course, I can forgive anything if it has enough dramatic lighting. Seriously.
…Toilet Break…
Okay, first view of the hosts. They show the trophy, and suggest that the winner’s receipt of the trophy will be ‘something to look forward to”. I’m sure. (and S is back)
France – Oh yes, it appears to be bah-bah-doo-wop. And a … golf buggy? An inflatable beach ball globe? A bearded hippy whose voice just dropped, and who is looking for the milky way. Doo-wop.
Azerbaijan – “It’s a fairly simple story here; the ones in the feathers are the good guys. The one in the black is the devil himself“. Also, the guy in black has hair extensions, I’m convinced of it. The angels are wearing MC Hammer pants, and the devil just had a hearty, evil chuckle. Maybe about pouring wine all over one of his dancing girls. What? I missed a complete costume change AGAIN – another man in black all of a sudden in head-to-toe white. S was looking right at the TV, and missed it too. Magic? Yes!
Greece – She’s not a little girl! What? But she’s wearing a pink dress! I don’t understand. Also, I think we’re supposed to figure out her secret combination to get to the centre of her heart? Or is she just saying she intends to keep it a mystery? Costume change! Now she’s a sparkly ra-ra slut!
Spain – Old MacDonald played on an electronic children’s toy guitar by a Groucho Marx look-alike doing an impression of Elvis, and then Dancing! Girls! From the Sixties! Okay, he mentioned the Macarena, and he appears to be making some kind of list with three items in it. Unfortunately these items are all in Spanish, and I don’t understand them. Something to do with chicky-chicky? Wait! There are four items – S understands these items to be steps in his dance. He is teaching us! One step is the .. robocop? And one is the sideways robot? Maybe?
Serbia – Yet another earnest skinny lady. Hi Serbia! You have a pretty lady. That’s a little incongruous – everyone is in formal dresses, except one slightly overweight guy in a t-shirt and dad jeans. He’s singing, by himself, right up the back. Serbia, don’t be embarrassed about your dad jeans guy. Let him let his light shine up the front with the pretty lady.
Russia – What? Mr voice-over just asked us to “watch out for Michael Flatley, river dancing … on skates“. Right. Oh yeah, Mr White Pants, sing on your knees for added conviction. I’m watching this guy for a crucifix pose – he’s just the type. Okay, there is totally a guy river dancing on ice skates on a specially imported tiny ice rink. It’s not Michael Flatley though. And they believe in YOOOOOOU (meaning me?) and finish with a point to the audience (rather than the crucifix? Risky choice guys).
Norway – Norway lady, how did you get so understanding about my depression and anger? And I must be saying “Ooooo. I don’t want to be lonely.” But who does Norway lady? Oh, I get it. You’re tapping into a universally shared feeling! People don’t want to be lonely. That can only be a shameless grab for votes. (Pretty good though. A little lacking in cheese).
That’s it! Who do I think will win? Groucho Marx? The four knitting brides of Frankenstein (with the lady in the rockin’ apple print skirt and the Duke of Hairnet)? The Croatian Mafia? Buxom pirates from the sea? Or the bluesy beret guy? They’re my picks anyway. Come on Europe, you have 15 minutes to vote! Also, this is probably a delayed showing, and surely I could already know the result? No! No fun that way. S’s picks: Pirates! Results soon …
..right after this folk band?
Russia? Really? I don’t really know what to say. They say this: “Thankyou! We won because of US! Because of you!”
