Part One here
Ukraine – Where did she get that giant plexiglass mirror full of men in doorways? I want one! Go go body rolls! Overall, pretty good, but not nearly cheesy enough for me. Of course, I can forgive anything if it has enough dramatic lighting. Seriously.
…Toilet Break…
Okay, first view of the hosts. They show the trophy, and suggest that the winner’s receipt of the trophy will be ‘something to look forward to”. I’m sure. (and S is back)
France – Oh yes, it appears to be bah-bah-doo-wop. And a … golf buggy? An inflatable beach ball globe? A bearded hippy whose voice just dropped, and who is looking for the milky way. Doo-wop.
Azerbaijan – “It’s a fairly simple story here; the ones in the feathers are the good guys. The one in the black is the devil himself“. Also, the guy in black has hair extensions, I’m convinced of it. The angels are wearing MC Hammer pants, and the devil just had a hearty, evil chuckle. Maybe about pouring wine all over one of his dancing girls. What? I missed a complete costume change AGAIN – another man in black all of a sudden in head-to-toe white. S was looking right at the TV, and missed it too. Magic? Yes!
Greece – She’s not a little girl! What? But she’s wearing a pink dress! I don’t understand. Also, I think we’re supposed to figure out her secret combination to get to the centre of her heart? Or is she just saying she intends to keep it a mystery? Costume change! Now she’s a sparkly ra-ra slut!
Spain – Old MacDonald played on an electronic children’s toy guitar by a Groucho Marx look-alike doing an impression of Elvis, and then Dancing! Girls! From the Sixties! Okay, he mentioned the Macarena, and he appears to be making some kind of list with three items in it. Unfortunately these items are all in Spanish, and I don’t understand them. Something to do with chicky-chicky? Wait! There are four items – S understands these items to be steps in his dance. He is teaching us! One step is the .. robocop? And one is the sideways robot? Maybe?
Serbia – Yet another earnest skinny lady. Hi Serbia! You have a pretty lady. That’s a little incongruous – everyone is in formal dresses, except one slightly overweight guy in a t-shirt and dad jeans. He’s singing, by himself, right up the back. Serbia, don’t be embarrassed about your dad jeans guy. Let him let his light shine up the front with the pretty lady.
Russia – What? Mr voice-over just asked us to “watch out for Michael Flatley, river dancing … on skates“. Right. Oh yeah, Mr White Pants, sing on your knees for added conviction. I’m watching this guy for a crucifix pose – he’s just the type. Okay, there is totally a guy river dancing on ice skates on a specially imported tiny ice rink. It’s not Michael Flatley though. And they believe in YOOOOOOU (meaning me?) and finish with a point to the audience (rather than the crucifix? Risky choice guys).
Norway – Norway lady, how did you get so understanding about my depression and anger? And I must be saying “Ooooo. I don’t want to be lonely.” But who does Norway lady? Oh, I get it. You’re tapping into a universally shared feeling! People don’t want to be lonely. That can only be a shameless grab for votes. (Pretty good though. A little lacking in cheese).
That’s it! Who do I think will win? Groucho Marx? The four knitting brides of Frankenstein (with the lady in the rockin’ apple print skirt and the Duke of Hairnet)? The Croatian Mafia? Buxom pirates from the sea? Or the bluesy beret guy? They’re my picks anyway. Come on Europe, you have 15 minutes to vote! Also, this is probably a delayed showing, and surely I could already know the result? No! No fun that way. S’s picks: Pirates! Results soon …
..right after this folk band?
Russia? Really? I don’t really know what to say. They say this: “Thankyou! We won because of US! Because of you!”
Yes, yes we can. S and I together. (except he ducked out halfway through. Spoilsport)
My favourite part, by far, is the snarky English voice over guy. I heart him and his thinly-veiled guffawing. All voice-over guy quotes are in green. Okay – here we go …
Romania – Serious man sings passionately in another language. The defining moment of the song, though, is when silver dressed lady makes a dramatically striding entrance. I think they feel passionately about each other. Or something.
UK - A strangely-dressed bald man dancing in a giant disco womb. I don’t understand his suit. The commentator man says it’s best English entry in years. He’s not joking
Albania – Introduced with ‘the pleasing view of the first belly-button for the evening.’ Wind machine! Wild gesturing! Earnest looks into the camera! “Not easy to sing in a high wind like that”
Germany – Smoke machines – always appropriate. Oh, it’s a girl group. They wrap themselves in colourful chiffon as they sing about disappearing. Also, every good girl group contains a red afro having white lady. The first group choreography of the evening and, I might be wrong, but I don’t think that lady’s wearing underpants.
Armenia – Is that Gloria Estefan? No? I think I’m confused by the red smoke. Go go go bad breakdancing men in black! In terms of Eurovision – I think this lady might have a chance. A little bit of Indian influence in the music.Go go go body-rolling dancer men!
Bosnia/Herzegovina – Experimental! ‘Four knitting brides of Frankenstein‘ and something about a clothesline. A dude pops up from a washing basket! I think he’s wearing a hairnet … and is crazy. And … she’s running! Throwing bouquets! I think I like this song, it kind of sounds like a children’s song/musical number/early 80’s inspiration pop piece. Woo!
Israel – I would guess that this guy was once the youngest member of a boy group. He’s wearing a shiny women’s sleeveless top, and standing in the middle of a giant blood vessel maybe? Ooh, he just switched to English. C’mon, give us a dance break. Wait wait, I though he had five very dull back-up dancers, but in fact they just started singing the final few lines with him. Poorly.
Finland – It’s gothic rock with fireworks! “Hoo! Ha!” they reckon. I don’t know – it’s a little 80’s hair rock for me, although I love a nice rolled ‘r’. Bursts of fire!
Croatia – “Men in hats and a grumpy old man”. It’s a little bit like a Mafia Cirque du Soleil, with a Spanish-inspired ballet dancer on a low podium. S is scared the Croatian Mafia will ‘insist’ we vote for them. Is that old man in the white suit relevant at all? And is that dancing lady doing flamenco popping? Now she’s pretending to play a xylophone made of bottles filled with red water, and old man is using an old style gramophone as a turntable.
Poland - “Four girls pretending to play the violin“, he says, and “You haven’t seen teeth like this since the Osmonds“. She totally looks like Donatella Versace doing a poor impression of Celine Dion, and S predicts: She looks pretty ripe for a costume malfunction, and he mistook her cleavage for a necklace.
Iceland – Ooo, he’s pretty like a lady. A lady with a blond faux hawk. Aaaand he HITS the crucifix pose, plays to the camera, and INSISTS that this is his LIFE, and he don’t wanna CHANGE anything. Blond lady in a black tutu! It’s her life too. Classic pop. Really very uplifting, especially the synchronised step-ball-changes. And they point to the audience in a display of conviction!
Turkey – It’s a neon-green bedazzled-guitar pop/rock fusion. Punch the air guitar boy, rock that artistic moustache you crazy-eyed music maker. Second crucifix pose of the night.
Portugal – She’s serious, and surrounded by … toga wearing virgins? A very serious fringe aswell. I can’t quite make it out, but I think the virgins are singing too. Yep, digging on the flesh coloured face microphones. Dramatic costume flicks! Oh gosh, singer lady just squatted down in her voluminous black gown, and appeared very much like an evil witchy mushroom.
Latvia – They’re all from the sea. Buxom pirates from the sea, with a ‘Hi Hi Ho and a Hi Hi Hey, pirates are all they can be’. I don’t know if they are honestly trying to win or not. If they are, why would they write a bad techno children’s pirate song? If they’re not … that’s awesome. “Hey guys, I can’t think of any good lyrics for my cheap drum machine backing track! We’ll never win Eurovision.” “That’s okay, we’ll just sing about pirates. Everyone loves pirates.” “True”.
Sweden – That lady’s flesh has no colour whatsoever. She is a black and white lady. Also, she sings through her nose. I think she wants to be some kind of hero? Or maybe love is a hero? And will survive, or maybe stay alive? How can you not vote for her? You like love, don’t you? Or do you want love to die?
Denmark -Yeah! Beret man enjoys life! It’s kind of a rocking bluesy version of an acoustic Queen song, with a National Youth Choir chorus. Well I know what I mean, anyway. Also, we should celebrate good times, and I totally think Denmark is in with a chance.
Georgia – “Low key and slightly depressing” Promising. Cyborg singer lady tells me to look – the sky is crying! I think she’s been quite heavily botoxed, and may very well be blind. That would explain the sunglasses, and also her shiny arm guards. Wait, I looked down for a second, and now everyone is wearing white instead of black. Go costume changes!
