Dear People-who-live-next-door,
I’m not sure if you know (although I suspect that you do), but I can overhear your drunken front porch conversations from my kitchen window. When one of you yells “Hey! Let’s put on some Slayer!”, and then two more of you yell “Yeah! Awesome!”,you are not, in fact, being retro-cool. I just wanted to let you know.
Dear George Foreman Grill,
If you had an on/off switch that I could use instead of turning you on and off at the power point every time, I’d feel much more comfortable. Why don’t you have an on/off switch? Is it really so much to ask?
Dear My New Phone,
I thought I really liked you when I picked you out, but after thinking about it for a while, and after the day-to-day phone calls and messages I make and receive, I’ve decided that you are just not my type of phone. I thought that your overall flatness and lightness would allow me to put you in my pocket for unencumbered walking around. But I just put you in my handbag, where I lose you completely because of your smallness, and only find you in time to miss the call that is coming through, whereupon I try to call the missed number back, and my voicemail tone screams in my ear. And on the smallness and lightness – is that why I can’t seem to hold on to you? You just slide right out of my hand.
I didn’t want to say anything, but your ring tones are really annoying. I’ve got the closest thing to a ‘Ring Ring’ that you offer, but why does my message tone have to be so awful? And why does it have to go for so long? Why can’t it just go ‘bing bong’ or something? And your alarm – why do I have to choose between some awful classical music and ‘Funky City’? Obviously I’m going to go for the funkier of the two options, but when my alarm goes off it terrifies me. I don’t know why it’s so scary to wake up in such a funky way, but it is.
I don’t know if this can go on. I’m sorry New Phone, but I might have to let you go.
Dear My Throat,
Stop feeling scratchy. I do not want to be sick, and I do not want to have to tell you twice. Smarten up.
Sincerely,
Cpt Capable.
Dear all,
i scuppers have hijacked this post and will have my way with it mwhahahahaha!!!!!!!!!
Dear my lego men,
you guys are so cool and starwars-ey, try if you could to be more numerous-ey
that will be all thank you.
regards Scuppers
