Yes, yes we can. S and I together. (except he ducked out halfway through. Spoilsport)
My favourite part, by far, is the snarky English voice over guy. I heart him and his thinly-veiled guffawing. All voice-over guy quotes are in green. Okay – here we go …
Romania – Serious man sings passionately in another language. The defining moment of the song, though, is when silver dressed lady makes a dramatically striding entrance. I think they feel passionately about each other. Or something.
UK - A strangely-dressed bald man dancing in a giant disco womb. I don’t understand his suit. The commentator man says it’s best English entry in years. He’s not joking
Albania – Introduced with ‘the pleasing view of the first belly-button for the evening.’ Wind machine! Wild gesturing! Earnest looks into the camera! “Not easy to sing in a high wind like that”
Germany – Smoke machines – always appropriate. Oh, it’s a girl group. They wrap themselves in colourful chiffon as they sing about disappearing. Also, every good girl group contains a red afro having white lady. The first group choreography of the evening and, I might be wrong, but I don’t think that lady’s wearing underpants.
Armenia – Is that Gloria Estefan? No? I think I’m confused by the red smoke. Go go go bad breakdancing men in black! In terms of Eurovision – I think this lady might have a chance. A little bit of Indian influence in the music.Go go go body-rolling dancer men!
Bosnia/Herzegovina – Experimental! ‘Four knitting brides of Frankenstein‘ and something about a clothesline. A dude pops up from a washing basket! I think he’s wearing a hairnet … and is crazy. And … she’s running! Throwing bouquets! I think I like this song, it kind of sounds like a children’s song/musical number/early 80’s inspiration pop piece. Woo!
Israel – I would guess that this guy was once the youngest member of a boy group. He’s wearing a shiny women’s sleeveless top, and standing in the middle of a giant blood vessel maybe? Ooh, he just switched to English. C’mon, give us a dance break. Wait wait, I though he had five very dull back-up dancers, but in fact they just started singing the final few lines with him. Poorly.
Finland – It’s gothic rock with fireworks! “Hoo! Ha!” they reckon. I don’t know – it’s a little 80’s hair rock for me, although I love a nice rolled ‘r’. Bursts of fire!
Croatia – “Men in hats and a grumpy old man”. It’s a little bit like a Mafia Cirque du Soleil, with a Spanish-inspired ballet dancer on a low podium. S is scared the Croatian Mafia will ‘insist’ we vote for them. Is that old man in the white suit relevant at all? And is that dancing lady doing flamenco popping? Now she’s pretending to play a xylophone made of bottles filled with red water, and old man is using an old style gramophone as a turntable.
Poland - “Four girls pretending to play the violin“, he says, and “You haven’t seen teeth like this since the Osmonds“. She totally looks like Donatella Versace doing a poor impression of Celine Dion, and S predicts: She looks pretty ripe for a costume malfunction, and he mistook her cleavage for a necklace.
Iceland – Ooo, he’s pretty like a lady. A lady with a blond faux hawk. Aaaand he HITS the crucifix pose, plays to the camera, and INSISTS that this is his LIFE, and he don’t wanna CHANGE anything. Blond lady in a black tutu! It’s her life too. Classic pop. Really very uplifting, especially the synchronised step-ball-changes. And they point to the audience in a display of conviction!
Turkey – It’s a neon-green bedazzled-guitar pop/rock fusion. Punch the air guitar boy, rock that artistic moustache you crazy-eyed music maker. Second crucifix pose of the night.
Portugal – She’s serious, and surrounded by … toga wearing virgins? A very serious fringe aswell. I can’t quite make it out, but I think the virgins are singing too. Yep, digging on the flesh coloured face microphones. Dramatic costume flicks! Oh gosh, singer lady just squatted down in her voluminous black gown, and appeared very much like an evil witchy mushroom.
Latvia – They’re all from the sea. Buxom pirates from the sea, with a ‘Hi Hi Ho and a Hi Hi Hey, pirates are all they can be’. I don’t know if they are honestly trying to win or not. If they are, why would they write a bad techno children’s pirate song? If they’re not … that’s awesome. “Hey guys, I can’t think of any good lyrics for my cheap drum machine backing track! We’ll never win Eurovision.” “That’s okay, we’ll just sing about pirates. Everyone loves pirates.” “True”.
Sweden – That lady’s flesh has no colour whatsoever. She is a black and white lady. Also, she sings through her nose. I think she wants to be some kind of hero? Or maybe love is a hero? And will survive, or maybe stay alive? How can you not vote for her? You like love, don’t you? Or do you want love to die?
Denmark -Yeah! Beret man enjoys life! It’s kind of a rocking bluesy version of an acoustic Queen song, with a National Youth Choir chorus. Well I know what I mean, anyway. Also, we should celebrate good times, and I totally think Denmark is in with a chance.
Georgia – “Low key and slightly depressing” Promising. Cyborg singer lady tells me to look – the sky is crying! I think she’s been quite heavily botoxed, and may very well be blind. That would explain the sunglasses, and also her shiny arm guards. Wait, I looked down for a second, and now everyone is wearing white instead of black. Go costume changes!
I ate breakfast with S, Lt, and the lady(the latter two having mysteriously appeared after a text message which, although well-intentioned in terms of misdirection, was somewhat unconvincing), and washed it down with strawberry champagne. Part of what I washed down with strawberry champagne was Cointreau-soaked berries, but I defy you to accuse me of excess. If you do (you foolhardy adventurer) I won’t deny it. I’ll say “Excess? Have you, yourself, never had a birthday? Go and think upon this, and return only when you have brought me some beer.”
